toriapoptosis: (Default)
I'm that object at rest. If you're able to get me going, I get going. But whatever shall the unbalanced force in my life be? My life is an unbalanced force, currently. I want to use sheer will to push myself on. I want to inspire myself. I want to get my body up and running again, and my mind, too!

You know, I don't watch TV. I bum off my mother's Netflix account whenever Luka decides he wants to watch a movie with me. That's pretty much it. We were watching The Office while eating dinner or before bed for a couple of days. In the past, we've done that a little bit. Watched a few episodes of The X-Files together, watched some Unbreakable Kimmy Schmit (why was that one of the few shows we've started to watch together? No offense to fans, it wasn't bad or anything, but not one of my favorite shows), some anime stuff....

I decided to ride the stationary bike the other day for an hour, but wanted to keep myself entertained. I was at my grandma's house the night previously, and something on her TV brought up old 90s shows. I think they mentioned Beverly Hills, 90210 and Dawson's Creek. The clips they showed got me feeling all nostalgic, so I decide I'd look them up on Netflix, since I thought the news program said they were on there. But they aren't. But, Party of Five is. So I decided to watch it while exercising.

And now tonight, while Luka is playing with his D&D group, I decided to watch a few more episodes. I think I watched 2.5 episodes tonight. And it is fun! I forgot how cute I thought/think Scott Wolf is, and how young/cute Matthew Fox was. And how pretty Neve Cambell is and how cool I thought little Claudia was (who is Lacey Chabert, of Mean Girls!). So many tense issues in that sentence... anyway...

Overall, I don't think television is something I seem to value too highly. It is fun for a bit, but then I think about the things I feel like I would rather be doing, like reading or writing or exercising or being social.... and then realize that all of those things are more work. But I'm not a TV person. I don't think there is a show I've ever seen the entirety of! I've almost watched all of Arrested Development, Friends, Alias. I've watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Full House, a few animes. Oh, I watched all of one version of Full Metal Alchemist. I loved that. I've devoted a decent amount of time watching Orange is the New Black, The West Wing, The X-Files, Degrassi and Skins for like a summer or two. Maybe it seems like a lot. But overall, not a whole lot of my time goes into watching television. At least not now. Maybe in the past? My memory is foggy, it didn't seem like a lot, but listing what I have seen, maybe it was more than I'd like to admit. As a teen, I do remember staying up really late watching shows online.

I decided to look at my old LJ profile/interests to see what else I liked at one time. Oh yeah! Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is coming back! That's a good show. Oh, and Scrubs and Veronica Mars, watched a decent bit of those shows. But like.... those are those shows of my life, I think. Besides, you know, Barney and Friends or whatever. Blues Clues.

Television is fun, and is sometimes something I'd like to dive into, but it's kind of in the same category as video games, unfortunately for my boyfriend. He wishes I was into them more, and it's not that I don't like them. I do. Sometimes I get into a game and I play it a lot. Too much. And I consider it too much and feel it was too much because it's not something that's high enough on my priority list. I guess. It's not a real list I have, just some half-formed gauge inside of me.

It might be because they feel more passive. Kind of. I mean, sometimes good shows or movies or games can be thought-provoking. But I think that's what really counts, for me. I want thought-provoking. I want to learn something meaningful, that will help me grow in a major way. But I'm not doing those things. I'm burnt out, and being sedentary and overweight doesn't help. So something's gotta give to get me back into doing things, creating things, being active physically and mentally.

I've gotta get conscious and make decisions that are right for me. I want to take control of my diet, my body, my mind. I want to be in control of me. I want to live my life imagined, and not just let things happen to me. I want to be go-with-the-flow when it comes to accepting what pans out, the reality of what is right at this moment in time, but I don't want to lie on my back and see what just happens to come to me in my life. You know? That makes sense, right? 

But, it comes back to the question: what do I value? What is important? That online conversation with that guy whose name I can't remember but can only recall he was a lot older than me, and in a wheelchair, always sticks out in my fuzzy memory. Make flash cards of different things in life. Priorities. Rank them. Save them. Review them later. Re-rank them. Always think of my values and re-align myself with them.

What do I value? Let's force myself to answer this instead of taking the easy way out. My health. I value being alive, and being able to function normally, in a way that isn't difficult or limiting. I value my body, and my appearance. This is hard to say, because I've really let myself go. But when I'm honest, I do value my appearance. You have to, because it's part of who you are, and it's part of your body and that's part of you, and who you are. It's important. Others judge you based on it. And matter of fact is, you're gonna be judged. You might not like it, but you can't ignore it, because it's true. So ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. So I want to look good and I do want to feel healthy. I want these things because they will make me happy. I value my happiness. REMEMBER THIS, ME. I value my happiness, so I'm going to fight for my happiness. I've learned that it isn't something that always just comes to you. You have to make it happen with the choices you make. The choices can be as simple as accepting I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. It's okay to be happy. It's good to be happy! You can be happy. Allow yourself happiness. I will meditate to increase mindfulness, and to squash self-harming thoughts. (Not thoughts of self-harming, but self defeating thoughts, which are harmful.) Something that I do value, absolutely, despite my lacking in this area: knowledge, and education. I think it's very important to be forever learning. I want to learn all of the things! I also want to try new things!

This leads to a sub-topic... guns. I don't really care for guns. Never been fascinated by them, always wanted them to go away. But Luka just put a down payment on one. It makes me a tad bit queasy to think about. But... don't I like learning about new things? Am I open-minded? Will I try something new, and go to a shooting range with him?

Family was always listed on the very top of my values list when I was younger. Back when I think I once had an actually existing, written list. I do still value family. They are important, and I love them dearly. But, I guess they've slipped down the list a bit. I don't choose to make time for them (as much as I'd like to). Then, I have that thought. I think... that means I want them to be higher up on that list. Maybe I should make a real list. This a work in progress.

Personal Values
1. Happiness
2. Family
3. Health
4. Knowledge
5. Education
6. Appearance
toriapoptosis: (Default)
 Hello all!

So my grades are in... I got all As for this past semester! That scientific paper I procrastinated on till the last day? I got an 80%! I was utterly shocked, because my goal was to get 30/100 points. That was all I needed to get an A, so I was only trying for 30%. I guess even my standards on failing are high.

Creative Writing was a really cool class. I'm happy to say I got an A in it! When I put in the effort, it shows. A big chunk of my grade was my short story, and I put many hours into it, brainstorming, plotting, re-drafting, re-writing. Lots of editing happened! And I got full marks and my professor loved it! After "no perpendicular or crepuscular stuff, please"! Ha!

New going-ons...

Our car is in the shop! We are sinking over $2000 into it... when we only spent $2000 in the first place! But we plan on keeping this car for a long while. The only concern is the transmission that slips sometimes, but we are hoping some of the repairs will help it. I'm pretty excited to hopefully have a car that feels like it's running new, and to have no worries about anything failing on us! As of Saturday, I stopped driving the car and had been walking or Ubering around. Uber is expensive, and if my car was newer, I'd consider driving for them, after talking to my drivers and learning how much they make. The mechanic tells me the car should be out by Friday.... or Monday. Fingers crossed for Friday!

We've also spent a lot of money on GenCon 50! We're going to Indiana this August for almost a week! We already booked the hotel through Marriott (with our new Marriott credit card...) and got our plane tickets. Things we are still looking into: luggage (from Costco! Started checking this out last night, but need to follow-up with Luka), what events we want to attend while there...

Sometimes I'm a fickle fuck. I don't know why, but very often, I don't like to eat foods that I can't eat without utensils. That's how I feel right now. Luka got me In & Out, but I feel kinda grossed out by it because I have to touch it. Ugh. Why does it make me feel yucky? I'm definitely not a clean freak. I'm even holding the burger by the wrapper, but the wrapper is like... wet and cold. Ew.


May. 24th, 2017 01:23 am
toriapoptosis: (Default)
My last assignment is a big one... the largest assignment of this semester, in fact. It's a 6 page scientific research paper on any topic I want pertaining to archaeology. I haven't even picked my topic yet, and this sucker is due Friday night. I'm thinking of stealing Arielle's topic idea and going with mummification. Unless anyone else has a cooler idea? :)

I think I'm going to start a challenge with myself, beginning tomorrow morning. Seven days of no complaining! How's that for a challenge?! I'm a big whiny baby, so this will be tough. I'm up for it, though!

I love/miss writing. And reading! Time to prioritize.


May. 10th, 2017 02:28 pm
toriapoptosis: (Default)
I've done it. I completed my short story for class. On Monday, I stood up before everyone and presented. (Should not have taken those two hits off the pen beforehand...) Nearly 10 pages double spaced, over 2400 words. I'm glad to say it's done! I haven't written a real short story in so long...

It's here, under the cut, if anyone wants to read!


Tori's Short Story )



Apr. 22nd, 2017 10:23 am
toriapoptosis: (Default)
I can't help but feel like a phony-fake. I'm working towards being happy and enlightened and shit. My userpic is a rainbow, and my tagline is "Radiate Positivity". I'm attempting to fake it until I make it. You know? Because I get sad, a lot. I get overwhelmed, a lot. I am well-known for getting down on myself and hard. One failure and the negative thoughts about myself rain down. Some days, I am better about catching this before the downward spiral. Sometimes I notice it, but don't have the will to pull myself out of it. I am an anxious individual that needs grounding. I also am awful at making up my mind. Why can't I do it? For important things or even the tiniest of things.

I fluctuate from being grandly ecstatic and, more recently, terrified of the fact that I have a short story to write. I have a short story to write that is due in nine days. I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to write about. But I don't know anymore. In Creative Writing class, I made a character who enjoys being an asshole. I thought I would write about him, because who doesn't secretly want to be that guy sometimes? But I don't have a story really, to go along with him, except for the fact that he's just about fed up with being an asshole that's all alone (or maybe just being alone). I also thought about somehow writing about depression, but that'd just be ... depressing.

I need to be a better listener before I go off chiding another.

My dad bought us tickets to see Shen Yun today at 2 PM.


Apr. 17th, 2017 01:32 am
toriapoptosis: (Default)
So, I'm high right now. I logged onto the computer and then onto my Dreamwidth account because I'm stoned and having lots of thoughts. These two parallel each other:

My boss asks me, "Do you really type at 80-90 wpm?" I turn around in my swivel office chair and tell him yeah. Or, at least I did. "I used to go on the Internet a lot back in the day. You know, middle school. So...  I'm probably not as quick; I prefer handwriting things more these days." (But really, my accuracy with typing has gone down quite a bit. It's probably just laziness, to be honest. I didn't really bat an eyelash when he asked me to confirm my wpm (I just switched over to Google really fast and found a typing test... 80 wpm, 4 errors, with an adjusted speed of 76. I am just not as accurate. A little more hesitant.)

Anyway, it did feel a little odd, my boss going through my folder at work. Mostly because he never does, ever, I don't think. But also because he was just browsing... He seemed worried, and that was his round-about-way of asking if I was looking for another job. He had seen my old resume that was uploaded to my file since applying for Senior Management in 2013. He mentioned he did notice it was last updated in 2013 so figured it might have been as much. But dude seemed worried. There's another guy who will be quitting this December, so then we'd have to promote two. (My boss had been on about getting two new SAMs in anyway, related?)

I'm reading the new announcement that was waiting for me in my Inbox when I logged in. It was from Denise, of Dreamwidth, welcoming aboard LJ users jumping ship - for real - this time. (It will always be a fond memory... I am debating (as of right this instant) whether I want my old entries to come with me or sink into the murky realms of my mind.) Denise also posted a history of Dreamwidth. (Side note: Having this moving, breathing, evolving platform as a baby of your own sounds absolutely exhilarating! And also tiring.) A portion of the history included their trouble finding a payment processor that wasn't imposing and Dreamwidth doing all they could to remain as open as possible when it comes to content.

Then, the communiqué transitioned into what content is acceptable. Expressed was following the norm, I think. But Denise or Mark, I suppose, have to set that standard. (And also, I feel like there are two Norms now, which is scary. Not My Norm.) From their examples given, I trust they're doing a great job. But are they also reading this right now?

Back in LiveJournal land, I typically wrote to myself, for myself. I remember being ten, and doing a silly, racy quiz. Something about slutty Barbies, I don't know. But my mom's ex-husband was pissed that I posted something about him ( the same entry as Barbie quiz? Can't recall, maybe it was just because I was posting about him period.) was like, "Don't worry, dude, none of your friends are checking out my LJ." But, thinking back, this might have been when my journal became Friends Only? I'm not sure! Anyway, he was paranoid when it came to the government. Am I too? Or am I blissfully ignorant? What is the in between? I suppose acquiring sufficient knowledge on the topic of concern helps.

I feel a very false sense of security. That's the bubble I'm in right now.

I read up on the San Quentin Six tonight, after getting too high and needing to lie down. I've never witnessed anything like that in my generation. And this was where I originally was going to start my post! Isn't it fun where reading takes you?

Have to go pick up Luka now!

toriapoptosis: (Default)
I think... you just have to do it. Problem is, it's been so long since I've done anything, that when we even talked about doing something - trying something new - that I freaked. I got really anxious and it showed. I didn't realize that I've been beyond frozen in this perpetual cycle of wake up, go to school, go to work, go home to a point where doing other things seemed scary. Really, it was more of a nervous-excited energy than a terrified. Money also bothers me, so that added to the anxiety.

We were talking about getting a gym pass. We were in Costco, holding the damn cardboard you swap out at the register for the actual item. We almost did it. He was set on getting the passes. Problem is, $700 is a lot when you're already 6k in debt. But, we really need to start exercising and taking care of our bodies. It's worth it, I think, because chances are we might just blow money slowly on stupid little things, adding up, anyway. I'm kinda bummed with how I responded. My brain automatically started looking for excuses not to! It wasn't like, money was the number one reason why I didn't want to get them and I just didn't want to tell him that so I was grasping for other excuses. It was like, I am afraid of what will happen. I'm scared of real change in my life, I guess. I'm okay with it at work. But we were about to make a serious decision and my heart rate elevated, I started pacing and getting a little sweaty... Even thinking about it now kinda gets me worked up.

But we really do need to make a change. We have fast food at least once a day. It's too easy and I guess when it comes down to it, we're addicted. I'm not too sure about myself, but Luka definitely has an addictive personality. Plus, they synthesize that shit with getting you hooked in mind.

My words are pointless without any action. We should have done it. We should have just fucking done it. We got paid today. I can pay off the credit cards some, keep a little, and then just put the passes on a credit card. And then we can just go to the gym. There is one literally across the street from work and there is one that is a ten minute walk from our house, just a neighborhood over.

I don't know, where to start first? Food or exercise? I know both influence the other. We've always been apt to start with food first. It has worked in the past, but we never stuck with anything long enough to make it a habit.

To be continued. I'm gonna go to the grocery store.

toriapoptosis: (Default)
Hello everyone! Giving Dreamwidth another whirl because LiveJournal's suspicious TOS update and I'm ready for something new. As much change as possible, I suppose.

I am an American (for now), but please try not to judge me too hard for it. I voted Bernie Sanders. I'm trying to do better, even though I'm currently procrastinating.

To Do, For School:
- study for geology exam 2
- choose geology outline topic (possibly something that would be fitting for my anthro class?)
- find 2 sources for outline
- write outline
- read chapter 8 anthro
- read anthro articles
- 2 anthro questions
- start brainstorming/outlining my short story and poems for creative writing

Tell me, what are your Earth Day plans?


toriapoptosis: (Default)

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