toriapoptosis: (Default)
I'm that object at rest. If you're able to get me going, I get going. But whatever shall the unbalanced force in my life be? My life is an unbalanced force, currently. I want to use sheer will to push myself on. I want to inspire myself. I want to get my body up and running again, and my mind, too!

You know, I don't watch TV. I bum off my mother's Netflix account whenever Luka decides he wants to watch a movie with me. That's pretty much it. We were watching The Office while eating dinner or before bed for a couple of days. In the past, we've done that a little bit. Watched a few episodes of The X-Files together, watched some Unbreakable Kimmy Schmit (why was that one of the few shows we've started to watch together? No offense to fans, it wasn't bad or anything, but not one of my favorite shows), some anime stuff....

I decided to ride the stationary bike the other day for an hour, but wanted to keep myself entertained. I was at my grandma's house the night previously, and something on her TV brought up old 90s shows. I think they mentioned Beverly Hills, 90210 and Dawson's Creek. The clips they showed got me feeling all nostalgic, so I decide I'd look them up on Netflix, since I thought the news program said they were on there. But they aren't. But, Party of Five is. So I decided to watch it while exercising.

And now tonight, while Luka is playing with his D&D group, I decided to watch a few more episodes. I think I watched 2.5 episodes tonight. And it is fun! I forgot how cute I thought/think Scott Wolf is, and how young/cute Matthew Fox was. And how pretty Neve Cambell is and how cool I thought little Claudia was (who is Lacey Chabert, of Mean Girls!). So many tense issues in that sentence... anyway...

Overall, I don't think television is something I seem to value too highly. It is fun for a bit, but then I think about the things I feel like I would rather be doing, like reading or writing or exercising or being social.... and then realize that all of those things are more work. But I'm not a TV person. I don't think there is a show I've ever seen the entirety of! I've almost watched all of Arrested Development, Friends, Alias. I've watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Full House, a few animes. Oh, I watched all of one version of Full Metal Alchemist. I loved that. I've devoted a decent amount of time watching Orange is the New Black, The West Wing, The X-Files, Degrassi and Skins for like a summer or two. Maybe it seems like a lot. But overall, not a whole lot of my time goes into watching television. At least not now. Maybe in the past? My memory is foggy, it didn't seem like a lot, but listing what I have seen, maybe it was more than I'd like to admit. As a teen, I do remember staying up really late watching shows online.

I decided to look at my old LJ profile/interests to see what else I liked at one time. Oh yeah! Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is coming back! That's a good show. Oh, and Scrubs and Veronica Mars, watched a decent bit of those shows. But like.... those are those shows of my life, I think. Besides, you know, Barney and Friends or whatever. Blues Clues.

Television is fun, and is sometimes something I'd like to dive into, but it's kind of in the same category as video games, unfortunately for my boyfriend. He wishes I was into them more, and it's not that I don't like them. I do. Sometimes I get into a game and I play it a lot. Too much. And I consider it too much and feel it was too much because it's not something that's high enough on my priority list. I guess. It's not a real list I have, just some half-formed gauge inside of me.

It might be because they feel more passive. Kind of. I mean, sometimes good shows or movies or games can be thought-provoking. But I think that's what really counts, for me. I want thought-provoking. I want to learn something meaningful, that will help me grow in a major way. But I'm not doing those things. I'm burnt out, and being sedentary and overweight doesn't help. So something's gotta give to get me back into doing things, creating things, being active physically and mentally.

I've gotta get conscious and make decisions that are right for me. I want to take control of my diet, my body, my mind. I want to be in control of me. I want to live my life imagined, and not just let things happen to me. I want to be go-with-the-flow when it comes to accepting what pans out, the reality of what is right at this moment in time, but I don't want to lie on my back and see what just happens to come to me in my life. You know? That makes sense, right? 

But, it comes back to the question: what do I value? What is important? That online conversation with that guy whose name I can't remember but can only recall he was a lot older than me, and in a wheelchair, always sticks out in my fuzzy memory. Make flash cards of different things in life. Priorities. Rank them. Save them. Review them later. Re-rank them. Always think of my values and re-align myself with them.

What do I value? Let's force myself to answer this instead of taking the easy way out. My health. I value being alive, and being able to function normally, in a way that isn't difficult or limiting. I value my body, and my appearance. This is hard to say, because I've really let myself go. But when I'm honest, I do value my appearance. You have to, because it's part of who you are, and it's part of your body and that's part of you, and who you are. It's important. Others judge you based on it. And matter of fact is, you're gonna be judged. You might not like it, but you can't ignore it, because it's true. So ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. So I want to look good and I do want to feel healthy. I want these things because they will make me happy. I value my happiness. REMEMBER THIS, ME. I value my happiness, so I'm going to fight for my happiness. I've learned that it isn't something that always just comes to you. You have to make it happen with the choices you make. The choices can be as simple as accepting I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. It's okay to be happy. It's good to be happy! You can be happy. Allow yourself happiness. I will meditate to increase mindfulness, and to squash self-harming thoughts. (Not thoughts of self-harming, but self defeating thoughts, which are harmful.) Something that I do value, absolutely, despite my lacking in this area: knowledge, and education. I think it's very important to be forever learning. I want to learn all of the things! I also want to try new things!

This leads to a sub-topic... guns. I don't really care for guns. Never been fascinated by them, always wanted them to go away. But Luka just put a down payment on one. It makes me a tad bit queasy to think about. But... don't I like learning about new things? Am I open-minded? Will I try something new, and go to a shooting range with him?

Family was always listed on the very top of my values list when I was younger. Back when I think I once had an actually existing, written list. I do still value family. They are important, and I love them dearly. But, I guess they've slipped down the list a bit. I don't choose to make time for them (as much as I'd like to). Then, I have that thought. I think... that means I want them to be higher up on that list. Maybe I should make a real list. This a work in progress.

Personal Values
1. Happiness
2. Family
3. Health
4. Knowledge
5. Education
6. Appearance

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Tori

July 2017

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