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[personal profile] toriapoptosis
I think... you just have to do it. Problem is, it's been so long since I've done anything, that when we even talked about doing something - trying something new - that I freaked. I got really anxious and it showed. I didn't realize that I've been beyond frozen in this perpetual cycle of wake up, go to school, go to work, go home to a point where doing other things seemed scary. Really, it was more of a nervous-excited energy than a terrified. Money also bothers me, so that added to the anxiety.

We were talking about getting a gym pass. We were in Costco, holding the damn cardboard you swap out at the register for the actual item. We almost did it. He was set on getting the passes. Problem is, $700 is a lot when you're already 6k in debt. But, we really need to start exercising and taking care of our bodies. It's worth it, I think, because chances are we might just blow money slowly on stupid little things, adding up, anyway. I'm kinda bummed with how I responded. My brain automatically started looking for excuses not to! It wasn't like, money was the number one reason why I didn't want to get them and I just didn't want to tell him that so I was grasping for other excuses. It was like, I am afraid of what will happen. I'm scared of real change in my life, I guess. I'm okay with it at work. But we were about to make a serious decision and my heart rate elevated, I started pacing and getting a little sweaty... Even thinking about it now kinda gets me worked up.

But we really do need to make a change. We have fast food at least once a day. It's too easy and I guess when it comes down to it, we're addicted. I'm not too sure about myself, but Luka definitely has an addictive personality. Plus, they synthesize that shit with getting you hooked in mind.

My words are pointless without any action. We should have done it. We should have just fucking done it. We got paid today. I can pay off the credit cards some, keep a little, and then just put the passes on a credit card. And then we can just go to the gym. There is one literally across the street from work and there is one that is a ten minute walk from our house, just a neighborhood over.

I don't know, where to start first? Food or exercise? I know both influence the other. We've always been apt to start with food first. It has worked in the past, but we never stuck with anything long enough to make it a habit.

To be continued. I'm gonna go to the grocery store.


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